A new year resolution

Do not take credit/debit cards when going for Window shopping!

I had earlier mentioned my love for shopping. Its gotten a lil out of hand now. Owing to my heroics, species of the fairer sex are finding it difficult to keep pace. Malls and shopping complexes are running out of new stocks. And John Abraham is going to stop acting :P

I nevva make resolutions. None this year as well. Shall try to keep things simple. Do less of planning. (Most things don't go according to plan) Be wild n crazy. Act zany n wacky. coz after all, its better to surprise Life rather than letting Life surprise you. Whassay :)

Happy new year! aur Happy ko bhi Happy new year :D

The chosen one

In response to Stupidosaur's comment on the previous post:

Yes, the header pic was taken after I joined the IT industry :)

And lately I have been inspired by the Bolly guys getting various sized packs. Aamir survived on some 16-18 odd egg whites per day. I too am following suit when it comes to the diet. Me n my roomie hogged 18 eggs - whites, yolks, everything - in the form of omlets and egg bhurji for lunch!!

However when it comes to Aamir n me, there is one small difference. Aamir went for the eight packs. I am concentrating on just one pack ;)

PS: I think I will have to start doing some serious workout (read light jogging in the beautiful Bangalore weather) before people start rolling me over for games of football :(

The Reality is *beep beep beep*

Q. Who is the most hard working person at MTV?
a)Rannvijay
b)Raghu
c)The person with his hand on the beeper

Here's one more:

Q. Name a 4 letter word that starts with 'F', ends with 'K', and if you can't get one you can use your hands.
A. Fork

What!! You thought I was referring to 'The F word'. Of course not. I refrain from the use of such foul words on this blog. One has to maintain decency. After all, Abhishek-Aishwarya ke hone waale bachhe bhi yeh blog padhte hai :P

But seriously, I cannot digest the appetite of these Reality contestants for The F word. Do none of them have a vocabulary better than a Panchvi pass so that they don't have to resort to use The F word in every sentence. Didn't the contestants learn in their schooling grammar that there are only 3 articles in the English language. And that the usage of The F word should not be synonymous with those of articles.

And whats with all the judges in these reality shows. While some of them are trying to imitate the likes of Simon Cowell, the rest are busy fighting with each other probably trying to convince Ekkkta to cast them in her latest venture, Mahabharata. The judges of Comedy circus are the only ones that seem to be behaving on the saner side. And the show is also pretty good. Good light hearted comedy with lots of variety.

Mere favorite judge is Javed Akhtar saab. Being such an accomplished writer himself, he uses such high level language while giving feedback ke contestants ko samajh mein hi nahi aata ki taarif kar rahe hai ya vaat laga rahe hai. The bewildered look on their faces is truly priceless :D

So while on the discussion of reality shows, let me ask what has been your all time favorite reality show? Mine remains The Apprentice. Whats yours?

And before ending the post, I suggest the following title track for MTV Roadies 6.0 - the game goes alien!! I think its pretty apt :)

Doston mein baitha main sutta pi raha
Abba ne mujhe sutta peete dekh liya
Ghar jab pahuncha to danda ho gaya
B*beep* sutta, sutta na mila.
B*beep* sutta, mujhe sutta na mila.
B*beep* sutta, sutta na mila.
B*beep* sutta, mujhe sutta na mila.
B*beep* sutta, sutta na mila.

College mein gaya mujhe pyaar ho gaya,
Usne bhi mujhse mera sutta chheen liya
Sadkon pe ghooma main tanha reh gaya
B*beep* sutta, sutta na mila.
B*beep* sutta, mujhe sutta na mila.
B*beep* sutta, sutta na mila.
B*beep* sutta, mujhe sutta na mila.
B*beep* sutta, sutta na mila.

Shaadi hui main husband ban gaya
Raat bhar *beep* main *beep* *beep* *beep* gaya
Khushiyon ki khatir mera sutta chheen gaya
B*beep* sutta.

B*beep* sutta, mujhe sutta na mila.
B*beep* sutta, sutta na mila.
B*beep* sutta, mujhe sutta na mila.
B*beep* sutta, sutta na mila.

*beeeep* *beeeep*, *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep*.
*beeeep* *beeeep*, *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep*.
*beeeep* *beeeep*, *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep*.
*beeeep* *beeeep*, *beep* *beep* *beep* *beep*.

New life mantra

For quite some time, my life mantra was: LIVE life, don't analyze it.

But I observed and analyzed(thats where the mantra is nullified) that I was not able to follow it. So I have come up with a newer, easier life mantra:

"Learn to laugh at yourself; and the world cannot make fun of you."

And the best side effect of following this mantra is that one can never run short of laughter. And, laughter is the best medicine :D

Kaali waali Black dal

Yesterday night, I want to take dinner at Min Mini Punjabi Dhaba. Now it is no fancy 5 star restaurant where Kareena n Saif might be spotted cuddling in a corner. Haan, Kareena ke ghar pe kaam karte Ramu kaka ke banaras ki mausi ka beta shayad dikh jaye.

To as we entered the dhaba, I could see printouts stuck all over the walls saying 'Deviced rates'. Now if it would have said 'Reviced rates' I might have understood that the library collection of the dhaba owner was lacking the 'Wren and Martin'. But yeh deviced rate kya hua. Did he mean that since the printouts were an output of the printer, which is a device, an electronic device, the rates are deviced rates?

As we occupied a table, a duplicate of Keshto Mukherjee came and handed us the menu. And before allowing us to have a look at the menu he started saying 'Aloo gobi, rajma, baingan bharta, yellow dal, black dal'. He kept on saying it again and again until we had to frantically gesture to him to stop his nonstop rajdhani. Now I am no Sanjeev Kapoor so I wanted to know the ingredients of this black dal.

Me: Boss, yeh black dal mein dal kaunsi aayegi
*pause*
He: kaali waali.

It was one of those you-had-to-be-there moments. People on all tables were in splits. The kind of loud, uncontrolled, non-stop laughter.

After placing the order, we scanned the menu which had a lot more items than the 5 which the Keshto Mukherjee duplicate was parotting. We had even more laughs. Menu mein English ka bhai-baap ek kar diya tha.

Shayad aisi chotti chotti baaton mein hi zindagi ka asli mazza hai. These are moments that one will not get in a 5 istar restaurant. 5 istar mein to one finds highly fancy names in the menu card jo shayad Queen Elizabeth ke bhi palle na pade. aur saala bill dekhke to vaat lagti hai. wallet hava ke maafik halka ho jaata hai.

apun ko halka hoke udna nahi hai. coz I am a very down to earth person. to Mr Keshto Mukherjee duplicate, yeh main aaya.. aaj black dal mein kaunsi dal daalne waale hai tu?

Miss Under Standing

At some point of time, all of us would have been told that written communication is the best form of communication. All other forms of communication, especially verbal, can lead to a lot of misunderstanding. So yesterday(why should Labour day be a holiday. Shouldn't people be working even harder on a "Labour" day.) as I was lazing around, I decided to go for a hair cut. So as I entered the saloon and sat on a vacant chair, the barber looked at me, waiting for instructions if any. I looked into his eyes and commanded in broken english - Medium, NOT SHORT.

But alas, the person who was operating on me interpreted it as 'MEDIUM NOT, short.' The rest is history. Some of the reactions I got when I came to office today morning:

XYZ : Oyye, tu Tirupati kab gaya tha!
Me : *beep beep*

Another XYZ : *looks at my hair. Oops, I mean looks at my skull; hair kaise dekhega. Kuch bacha ho to na* Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. *He just kept on laughing.*

A group of XYZ girls as I was passing by : *giggle giggle. some discussion. more giggles*

A group of XYZ guys as I was passing by : *hands pointing in my direction. some discussion. roaring laughter.*

I guess this will go on for some days. When I went out for lunch, as I was walking on the road, two bikers who had just bought all the available dvds of Dhoom and Dhoom2 decided to have some fun with my life and test my reflexes. All I can say is baal baal bacha.

Eureka !

Eureka! I rediscovered gravity.

Newton saw the apple fall. Well, I saw the entire tree fall. It rained last night in Bangalore. And it rained lions n tigers. The thunder, the lightning, the sheer volume of the rains. It was scary. So damn scary that if Gabbar would have been around, he would have hidden in his mommy ka pallu and started singing 'Main kabhi batlata nahin'.

So as most of India is sweating to the heat of the summer, Bengalurueans are being hailstoned. I remember the scene in Hum Tum where Saif says 'January mein baarish'. Yaar, idhar to saala har mahine mein baarish hoti hai. Kaash Newton zinda hota. He would have been able to see so many falling rain drops.

Eureka eureka,
Of football and Kaka,
Of F1 and Mika,
Eureka eureka,
I want to have a pizza paprika,
I want to fire a bazooka,
Eureka eureka.

Plz don't start aiming any bazookas at me. coz, when did Shakespeare say that poetry should make sense :)

Dracula

I unlocked the door of my house and was taken aback by the number of mosquitoes swarming inside. And by 'number', I dont mean a few here n there which would prompt a girl to say 'Ouch, kitne machhar kaat rahe hai' and the boyfriend to reply 'thats coz u r so sweet jaan'. They were in a 'number' enough to freak out even Andrew Symonds. (Thats the first name that came to my mind.) So, scared as hell, I took off and rushed to the nearest shop.

Me : Boss, mosquitoes ke liye sab se effective kya hai?
Shopkeeper : Sir, Hit.
Me: : Ok, give me one Hit then.

*I take out my wallet to give the money.*

Shopkeeper : Brush chaiye?
Me : ?? Kya
Shopkeeper : Brush
Me : Kaisa brush!!?
Shopkeeper : Toothbrush
Me : !!! :( :(

Good to see total strangers so worried about my teeth condition. Good to see that there is still some goodness left in the world. Par sambhal ke uncle, zyaada bola to battissi tod dunga :D

Lesson learnt

Its true how life teaches you a lot of lessons. Some pleasant, some harsh. Some small, some big. But all, worth remembering.

So yesterday eve, just as the sun was about to set, I head for home. Grab a glass of masala chai on the way. Aah, how lovely it tasted. Reach home, slump in front of the tv. The match between Mumbai Bangalore is about to start. Order a couple of pizzas - American Heat n Tandoori Paneer to be precise.

The pizza delivery boy rings the bell in less than half an hour's time. The pizzas look yummy and colorful with all the olives, babycorn, paneer, jalapenos, green chillies. For seasonings, sprinkle some pepper, oregano, red chilli powder. Open the bottle of Thums Up. Look up at the tv screen.
Zaheer bowls to Jayasuriya. The ball nips back into him and hits him on the pad. The batsmen decide to sneak a single. Zaheer charges in towards the ball, picks it up, turns, aims towards the non-striker's end, and lets go off the ball. Brilliant. Bang on target! Jayasuriya is caught short off the line. One of the saddest ways of getting out. Tears start rolling down my eyes. And also, Jayasuriya is a great player. More tears. He starts his walk back to the pavilion. But I can't watch it. Eyes all blood red, tears still rolling down as if gates to some dam reservoir have been opened.. Jayasuriya reaches his teammates and takes a seat, obviously dejected. The tears continue. Why god why! why did this happen. I guess its all my fault. I should not get so much involved. The tears are unstoppable.

Lesson learnt: Never take your fingers anywhere near your eyes after you have used red chilli powder.

Morning musings

I am going to leave office early today. At 6:30. Don't you worry, I am not going to bother the reader about my entire day schedule, and when I plan to have lunch, and what I had in breakfast. (I had Idli-sambhar n rice pongal by the way :) ) The reason I will be leaving early is that my roomie is leaving Bengaluru. So gotta see him off. (I doubt whether that is correct usage) Come to think of it, I cannot recall the last time I left office before - jab ghadi ki chhoti sui west mein point karti hai aur ghadi ki lambi sui north mein point karti hai. Goegraphy happened to be one of my favorite subjects in school. To uska asar to rahega hi na.

And recently I have been bitten by the work bug. To main subah subah kuch zyaada hi jaldi tapak padta hun office mein - jab ghadi ki chhoti sui south-west mein point karti hai aur ghadi ki lambi sui south mein point karti hai. Arre, ek baar bola na geography was my favorite. I have been getting the feeling that I don't live in Bangalore. coz this Bangalore is supposed to have very bad traffic and thats why the Unlock Bangalore campaign has been started. But due to my wierd office-going-comingBack-timings, I don't see any vehicles on road. The roads all seem like expressways to me.

Now this schedule has had a big impact on one of my addictions - television. So much that I am using the word television and not TV! There was a time when I used to eat, drink, sleep tv. bole to mere ghar mein it used to be switched on while I was watching it, while I was eating, while I was studying, while I was sleeping.. I used to watch it even when there was nothing worthwhile coming on it. Thats how I started watching golf. If you think Test Matches are boring, you need to watch guys walking miles n miles, halting every now n then, doing some samba dance as they position themselves, frantically trying to figure out the wind directions and the slope of the ground, and when they get bored with these things, thankfully hitting the ball.
And, I had even started following Oprah! Now thats HUGE for a guy. As huge as a gal knowing who is Mpumelelo Mbangwa. Not what. Who.

Its true that getting rid of an addiction like this is good, but things have shifted to the other extreme now. So much that recently I found it very strange when I grabbed the 6 inch long 2 inch wide remote. I had to actually surf through all the channels to find Espn Star. I had forgotten that something wonderful called Star World also exists. Its been months since I watched a Friends episode, or watched a movie on Star movies, or simply ogled at Ftv. Entire cricket serieses (my plural for series) have started and gotten over under my umbrella of ignorance. Itna ignorance that a couple of days back, I asked in public 'Yeh ICL kab shuru hone wala hai?' Luckily, everybody thought I was asking about IPL. Which, due to that same stupid question ki meherbani, I know is starting today.

And according to inside information, I have come to know that SRK is going to be the 12th man. He has decided not to let go of any opportunity to display himself. He originally wanted to be the umpire, but in the practice sessions, he was raising a lot of unnecessary fingers instead of just one (due to his 'Kya aap panchvi claas se tez hai' and Krazzy 4 shoots).

Benched

Like Bangalored, like Benched.. I have come up with my top 7 office games.

• Slot machine - Enter the same search query again and again in the Google search bar. If you get the same response time, you win. Yipee. Your prize - you can now enter a new query. You cannot enter a new query unless you win.
  

• What's in a name - Well generally, we don't even know the names of the people sitting nearby. So come early to the office and greet everyone as they come and ask their names. When the same people leave office, greet them again by addressing them by their names. If you get all right, you win. Yipee. You no longer have to come early to office. You don't win unless you get all the names right. (No cheating. You cannot show off your brains and write down the names. Preserve your brains for those times when you are assigned work)
  

• Popularity game - Open Wikimapia or download Google Earth. Start memorizing the names of all places around your city. Also as an add-on, try remembering the places-to-visit in the corresponding city. Next time when you meet anyone, ask them their native. If it happens to be one that you have already memorized, jackpot. Start parroting whatever you know. You will immediately become a favorite of the person. coz not only did you not give the person now-where-on-earth-is-that-place look but to top that, you just told the person more than he knew about his never-before-heard city.
  

• Scary game - This one's my personal favorite. Scan and select a base location where people don't know you. Take a pen and notepad with you. Stand at a little distance and pretend as if you are observing the people around. After a few minutes of observation, act as if making notes in your pad. Do this everyday at random hours of the day. All the ho-halla about lay-offs and pink slips will scare the hell out of them. This is a win-win for everyone. You can hone your acting skills, the employees will start working harder, and the employer's productivity will only end up getting a boost.
  

• Table tennis - Most companies will have a ping-pong table. If you are a novice, be dedicated and become a pro. If you are already a pro, you can only get better.
  

• Blog.

If you happened to realize that there is one less bullet or if you had already started counting the bullets before reading, your condition is pretty much similar to mine. And you just won game no. 7. Your prize:

Come, have a seat.. :)

Zzz...

I don't want to work.. I cant even look at the computer screen.. I am feeling too damn sleepy.. Coz I just came from lunch having as big a bowl of Biryani as one can imagine.. The amount of rice was as much as I have had in my entire lifetime.. Umm.. Obviously not that much.. But surely more than what I used to eat in one week at home.. I am not able to keep my eyes open any longer.. I dnot kown waht i ma tyipng.. Teh kebyoard is appaerni liek one falt peiec of mabrle to me.. I catn seme top be abel to fnid teh rihgt kesy.. God help em..

Ding dong...

I am not able to open blogger. So I am currently typing this post in Billu's Notepad. There are better softwares but I just wanted to check if Old is Gold. Apparently not. I mean, common! Notepad! No ways yaar.

Yes, so I am not able to open blogger. For a matter of fact, I am not able to open anything else that is availabe the World Wide Web. There seems to be some problem with the optical lines that are the lifeline of all programmer's in the company. All I am able to do is open Google(thanks to the neat-and-clean-no-fussy look it has) and search for things that I don't even want to in the first place. In the process, I discovered that Google does not return anything for the following standalone searches - $,@,+,-,%,!,~,#,^,*,(,),=,{,},|, [,],\,;,:,',",<,>,?,/ (even though these are used by programmers almost every second).

I am not able to access my mails. The company's goddamn security policy does not allow access to external mail services like Yahoo, Gmail or others. Hey you, Larry and Sergey, are you hearing this? Your Google may have become a necessity to the world but you are still something "external" in my company. And on top of all this, the company's server has been behaving erratically(I can hear Joey laughing on that one too). So either I don't get most of the mails or they are delayed and arrive in one helluva fished(Oh no, I hated SRK saying it in OSO; but I still think it's a good substitute for the F word) up order.

Today has been that kind of a day. I got up really late for office...

*Voices in my head*
Voice #1: Ya right! What else did you expect ass. You start watching a Hindi movie past 12 at night..
Voice #2: But,..
Voice #1: I know it was Taare Zameen Par, but were you not watching it for the 2nd time..
Voice #2: Umm,..
Voice #1: And then you could not stop following it up with another one..
Voice #2: HEY! I followed it up with AMERICAN PIE - 6. You can't argue with that.
Voice #1:
*It could not argue with that*

So I had to skip my morning tea. And I am one of those fellows who can't do without it. So today my head-neck were going to be something like a spinning toy top. Just as I readhed office, I got a call from mom telling me that there was a theft attempt at our house. Maybe I should have seen that as a sign for the kind of day I was about to have.

So I settled down in my cubicle and figured out that I would be better off reading some ebook and listening to songs. So I made a playlist of some of my fav songs - Jal, Strings, Junoon, Parikrama, Bryan's and a few others.. I started with Zeest ka Sutta and just as they were swearing at the top of their voices, some wierd sound started coming from inside the pc. Some real squeaky sound like a sparrow that was struggling inside. I just did not have the will to find out what was wrong. (Of course I took out the headphones and inserted them again. That does not count as 'doing something'.) So I took them off and tried to concentrate on what I was reading. And then I remembered why I had developed the habit of listening to music in office. Basically three reasons:
1) To make an attempt (but-almost-all-the-time-futile) to avoid the chitter-chatter giggly stuff going on around me.
2) To stay away form the 'Jalebi' languages. (No offence intended. I have heard people who speak the langauge themselves use this word.)
3) To avoid the really loud guy who is in vicinity of my cubicle. Thank god, he does not overlap with category #1.

So with all the messing up going around, it is almost lunch time. And I am still typing in Notepad! I go up to the guys with whom I have lunch..

Me: *standing at one of the guy's cubicle*
Guy #1: *empty thought bubble*
Guy #2: *empty thought bubble*
Me: *empty thought bubble*
Me: Umm,..
Guy #1: Hmm..
Guy #2: Mast Kalandar
(Guys are generally not too much into communication. But it works out fine.)

So we are about to cross the road. We are walking on the right side of the road. I look to my right and see no vehicles coming and so take the plunge onto the road from the walkway.

*Frantic voices inside the head*
Voice #1- .. : IDIOT! Its a goddamn one-way.. Look to your *BANG*

Oh no, I am all right. But the voices in there thought all was lost. I don't blame them either. An SUV doing something like what seemed the speed of light zoomed past my body parts. Let me tell you one thing; if there had been the slightest of contacts, I sure would not be able to do the thing that Joey follows up with ' How u doin' ' :) . We reach the restaurant and guess what's the first item on the menu which my eyes fall upon - 'Ghantaghar ke kadhi chaval'..

Chakk de phatte

Just back from lunch. It was one of those perfect lunches that you can think of. The weather was just perfect. A cool breeze was blowing while the sun was trying its best to pierce the Bangalore clouds. Walked down to a place called 'Mast Kalandar' with a couple of friends. This place I think offers Punjabi food with the the most wholesome taste. See its not that easy finding many restaurants where you have the food to your liking if you come from "North India" (actually I come from Gujarat but anything above the 4 states over here is referred to as North). Well so I had the Chakk de phatte - Sarson ka saag n makke di roti (ah, the land of spices has so much to offer) while watching on a 14 inch tv the Indian tail wagging against the Aussie quicks. It was so thrilling to watch R.P.Singh stand up to them and annoy the hell out of Ponting. India are now in a very strong position. Australia are 16 unbeaten. Last time they wanted to make it 17, India had other ideas. Can India do the same again. Can India hit them where it would hurt most. At the WACA. One can hear Bhajji shout from the dressing room to his teammates - Chakk de phatte.

Rain rain, come again

It is the middle of January. I have been shivering all night because my stupid roomie forgot to put off the fan. Hold on, but I don't have a roomie. So it would be stupid me again! Grr.. Well, so I wake up early morning (7:30 is very early for anyone who sits all day in front of a 17 inch TFT monitor) hoping to catch some nice warm sun rays. I walk out of the house only to find out that its drizzling outside. Rain in January! Damn you Bangalore weather. Its not that I don't like the rains. But how I am supposed to muster the courage to go to office if it rains on a Monday morning. And this is also not the first rain of the season so that I might look forward to the sweet smell of the earth. Thinking about the first rain, there is something that I have always wondered. Why is that one is always reminded of his/her beloved when it rains. Why does one not think of one's mother whose love for him is so pure and selfless. Why does everyone think of eating hot spicy pakodas(fritters) when it rains. Why don't pizzas come to our mind - hot n sizzling double cheese with extra toppings of spicy olives and jalapenos, soft n sweet slices of baby corn, crispy onions and capsicum. Hmmm.. My mouth is already watery. I think I need to calm down my taste buds. I better grab a glass of tea to go with some garam garam pakodas :)